The Holidays

The Holidays are officially...OVER!  Over the holidays my life was changed.  I got in a car accident (see below at other post) and due to that I recommitted my life to Christ.  This might sound weird to y'all but when the whole accident happened I could feel God there helping me.  Protecting me.  Supporting me.  Now how are things going to be different this time? I committed my life to Christ about a year ago, but never fully lived it out.  Now however I am changed.  I am reading my bible to understand the word of God better, I'm praying again and I am showing my faith again.  I was ashamed of my faith before, but now, I'm a Jesus Freak and proud of it!  I have to be very careful and choose who I hang out with wisely because I don't want a bad situation to happen where I'm in a sticky spot.  There is hope
Keep posted
:)

Talking to Health Classes

I'm a little late, but I'm still going to blog about it :)
I talked to my school health classes in the beginning of december.  It went surprisingly well!  I got a couple messages from people and a couple girls came up to me after class.  I am so proud of myself and thankful that God gave me the strength to talk to my peers about my story <3
Thanks to everyone

Merry Christmas!

As the date explains, its Christmas.  My dad has been saying all month
"Christmas is all exciting, and unless your five, you get disappointed because all  of the expectations you had for christmas didn't come true, because peoples expectations are unreal."
You know what I think?  I don't care if there is no snow or if I didn't get the most presents.  I am thankful. Thankful that I am alive and healthy.  Thankful that I have a family who loves me and most importantly thankful that life's good!  I sometimes get so caught up in the moment that I forget that I am so lucky!  God has been so good to me and I take that for granted.  I have lost my relationship with Christ and well, I have renewed it.  I am proud to call myself a christian and a Jesus Freak!

Love <3

Life gets put inperspective

I don't remember most of it. It all happened so fast, but I'll try to explain. I came from Huntington learning center. It was my mom, my grandma and I in the car. We just dropped off my grandma and werent more than a block away when we past the gas station with a car going at least 40 mph...if not more. I looked back at my mom and said "wow that looks dangerous." right then we started to turn the corner and they ram into the side I was on. Since we just dropped my grandma off I was in the back seat instead of the frount, where I usually am. We got the license plate and called 911. Instantly my back started to hurt, but I thought it was shock...so I said I didn't need an ambulance. My moms fine. Our cars a mess. There were these great lovely people who let me go in their house and keep warm. They were angels. The next day I went to the doctor to get my back looked at. Turns our, I sprained my back with bruised muscles. I take a muscle relaxant and have to do exercises along with occasionally wearing a brace.
The weird thing is...4 hours before the accident I had a huge meltdown due to struggling with Ed. I mentioned I wanted to die. Fastforward 4 hours and I almost do die. How scary! I've been taking life for granted! Things like this could happen any minute of any day! Every day is a gift!
Angels were watching over me and God protected me.

Dream

I had a dream
long long ago
to walk down the aisle
look out and see snow
a winter wedding
with red bridesmaids dresses
and show every one
the love that possess
our love so strong
so real and true
its just us now
just me and you
 

The Can Do attitude

I have been so motivated today.  I made a little "helpful tips" booklet, and Im making a "go to" binder.  In this binder I have all the tools I have learned from treatment such as...
1.  my booklet I made
2.  food logs
3.  mood logs
4.  risky situation planner
5. goal setting worksheet
6.  distorted thinking worksheet

I got a lot of these templates from this site.

http://www.oaktrees.org/blog/eating-disorder-worksheets

Make a 'go to' binder and use it! :)

there is hope <3

How was your thanksgiving?

What are you thankful for?
For me, the list could go on. I'm thankful for my family and friends. That I have food and shelter. I'm healthy and life is good!

Love me for me

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

 

 

 

What you dont know about that girl

see that girl you just passed in the hall?
she didn't just fall down the stairs
her dad beats her
see that girl with all the food in her cart?
she doesn't have a big get together to get ready for
she binges
see that girl with her arm all scraped up?
her cat didn't attack her
she cuts herself
see that girl in the weight room after school?
she doesn't just want to "get fit"
she doesn't eat.
the excuses are made up
the lies you believe
that girl needs help but doesn't want to ask because she feels weak
and that's what you don't know about that girl.

pics

The girl in the mirror

The girl in the mirror
She haunts me
Hurts me
Laughs at me
Kills me.
The girl in the mirror
Shes numb
Dull
Full on pain
hungry.
The girl in the mirror
Shes hurting
but no one knows
because shes just...
the girl in the mirror.

Beautiful

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful 

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful 

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Beautiful-Bethany Dillon

How to deal with dumb comments

There was a comment that was made the other day in phy ed. class.  A immature boy was talking to my friend, who also has an eating disorder.  She made the comment about herself being fat.  The boy said, "oh yeah, your fat *sarcasm*."  He later told me that he said that because she used to be anorexic.  She was skin and bones.  I got instantly sad.  He didn't mean to make me sad.  I was just sad because I was never skin and bones.  If someone looked at me they couldn't tell I wasn't eating.  I was just tall and thin.  Ed decided to creep into my mind then and tell me, you can still be skin and bones, just don't eat and eventually, after the bloating stage and the hunger stage, you WILL be that skinny.
Listen readers,
If I almost died and I WASN'T skin and bones, what would happen if  I WAS?
Ed. is. evil.
you are NOT your ed.
you are wonderfully and beautifully made by God.  God makes NO mistakes.  He has a plan for you.  Trust in Him and things will fall into place. 

School

Getting up at 6:00 am to cath your bus
Its your first day of kindergarten!
"Excuse me, teacher.  I cant figure out how to write my 'g'"
Your in 1st grade
"Now everyone get your cursive books out."
halfway through 3rd
Good job! you passed elementary school!
on to 5th
then 6, 7, 8 and you doing just great
but when the cliques start to form and the grades start to drop.
Its not so great after all.
trying to figure out who you are and where your headed isn't as easy as trying to figure out a lower case 'g'
Its more complicated than that.
Its highschool.
In high school teachers aren't as nurturing as they used to be.
Its cold, and lonely.
Its when all your friends go different ways and your just stuck in the middle.
The bell rings at 3:30 and the rush of kids flood the hallway
And your in a mix of 3,000 kids but you feel more lonely than ever.
You go through the motions. 
Get up, go to school, homework, repeat.
Its not actually living-its just..school.
 

If life was easy...

If life was easy, what would we have to work for?
If like was good, and we didn't have the bad times, the good times wouldn't be good, they would be normal
Fight through the bad, embrace the good, rejoice the new and cherish the old.
If was was easy it wouldn't be..life.

What are you saying?

Some edited pictures

Devotionals

Oh how I love Devotionals.
I got a new devotional today and as I go along with the 162 days, Ill keep you posted.  
Today (day 1) I read on Living Before God.  
Matthew 5:27-29, 33-37 says
 ²⁷ “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’^[a] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ²⁹ If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.
“Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ ³⁴ But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; ³⁵ or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. ³⁶ And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. ³⁷ All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.^[a]



What are your thoughts?  Comment or email :)


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God Bless


<3

Dont let ED be your ID

Just one letter.  Thats the difference between ED and ID..but theres a HUGE difference.
ED-->hurtful, shameful, terrible, harmful
ID-->who are are, the wonderful, joyful, amazing you.

Dont let ED become your ID because once that happens, you are not you anymore...you are ED.  Who wants to be with ED?
Now let me ask a different question...
Who wants to be FREE from ED?
Think about it.
Write about it.
Share about it.
 <3

Hmm

So here I sit, with my pencil in my hand, not knowing what to do, don't know where I stand.  I try to write, to explain myself, says the girl who hurts herself.  I want this to stop but I cant find a way to help everyone I don't know what to say.  I try to be happy, but someone always brings me down, maybe just maybe, someday Ill ignore them and not hear hear a sound.  Ill be happy and free, enjoying life...being just me.  'Cause me being me is more than enough, say the people who love me so much.  So now as this story comes to a close, I wish you all the best, and thanks for coming to the show.