Talking to Health Classes

I'm a little late, but I'm still going to blog about it :)
I talked to my school health classes in the beginning of december.  It went surprisingly well!  I got a couple messages from people and a couple girls came up to me after class.  I am so proud of myself and thankful that God gave me the strength to talk to my peers about my story <3
Thanks to everyone

Merry Christmas!

As the date explains, its Christmas.  My dad has been saying all month
"Christmas is all exciting, and unless your five, you get disappointed because all  of the expectations you had for christmas didn't come true, because peoples expectations are unreal."
You know what I think?  I don't care if there is no snow or if I didn't get the most presents.  I am thankful. Thankful that I am alive and healthy.  Thankful that I have a family who loves me and most importantly thankful that life's good!  I sometimes get so caught up in the moment that I forget that I am so lucky!  God has been so good to me and I take that for granted.  I have lost my relationship with Christ and well, I have renewed it.  I am proud to call myself a christian and a Jesus Freak!

Love <3

Life gets put inperspective

I don't remember most of it. It all happened so fast, but I'll try to explain. I came from Huntington learning center. It was my mom, my grandma and I in the car. We just dropped off my grandma and werent more than a block away when we past the gas station with a car going at least 40 mph...if not more. I looked back at my mom and said "wow that looks dangerous." right then we started to turn the corner and they ram into the side I was on. Since we just dropped my grandma off I was in the back seat instead of the frount, where I usually am. We got the license plate and called 911. Instantly my back started to hurt, but I thought it was shock...so I said I didn't need an ambulance. My moms fine. Our cars a mess. There were these great lovely people who let me go in their house and keep warm. They were angels. The next day I went to the doctor to get my back looked at. Turns our, I sprained my back with bruised muscles. I take a muscle relaxant and have to do exercises along with occasionally wearing a brace.
The weird thing is...4 hours before the accident I had a huge meltdown due to struggling with Ed. I mentioned I wanted to die. Fastforward 4 hours and I almost do die. How scary! I've been taking life for granted! Things like this could happen any minute of any day! Every day is a gift!
Angels were watching over me and God protected me.

Dream

I had a dream
long long ago
to walk down the aisle
look out and see snow
a winter wedding
with red bridesmaids dresses
and show every one
the love that possess
our love so strong
so real and true
its just us now
just me and you
 

The Can Do attitude

I have been so motivated today.  I made a little "helpful tips" booklet, and Im making a "go to" binder.  In this binder I have all the tools I have learned from treatment such as...
1.  my booklet I made
2.  food logs
3.  mood logs
4.  risky situation planner
5. goal setting worksheet
6.  distorted thinking worksheet

I got a lot of these templates from this site.

http://www.oaktrees.org/blog/eating-disorder-worksheets

Make a 'go to' binder and use it! :)

there is hope <3

How was your thanksgiving?

What are you thankful for?
For me, the list could go on. I'm thankful for my family and friends. That I have food and shelter. I'm healthy and life is good!

Love me for me

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

 

 

 

What you dont know about that girl

see that girl you just passed in the hall?
she didn't just fall down the stairs
her dad beats her
see that girl with all the food in her cart?
she doesn't have a big get together to get ready for
she binges
see that girl with her arm all scraped up?
her cat didn't attack her
she cuts herself
see that girl in the weight room after school?
she doesn't just want to "get fit"
she doesn't eat.
the excuses are made up
the lies you believe
that girl needs help but doesn't want to ask because she feels weak
and that's what you don't know about that girl.

pics

The girl in the mirror

The girl in the mirror
She haunts me
Hurts me
Laughs at me
Kills me.
The girl in the mirror
Shes numb
Dull
Full on pain
hungry.
The girl in the mirror
Shes hurting
but no one knows
because shes just...
the girl in the mirror.

Beautiful

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful 

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful 

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Beautiful-Bethany Dillon

How to deal with dumb comments

There was a comment that was made the other day in phy ed. class.  A immature boy was talking to my friend, who also has an eating disorder.  She made the comment about herself being fat.  The boy said, "oh yeah, your fat *sarcasm*."  He later told me that he said that because she used to be anorexic.  She was skin and bones.  I got instantly sad.  He didn't mean to make me sad.  I was just sad because I was never skin and bones.  If someone looked at me they couldn't tell I wasn't eating.  I was just tall and thin.  Ed decided to creep into my mind then and tell me, you can still be skin and bones, just don't eat and eventually, after the bloating stage and the hunger stage, you WILL be that skinny.
Listen readers,
If I almost died and I WASN'T skin and bones, what would happen if  I WAS?
Ed. is. evil.
you are NOT your ed.
you are wonderfully and beautifully made by God.  God makes NO mistakes.  He has a plan for you.  Trust in Him and things will fall into place. 

School

Getting up at 6:00 am to cath your bus
Its your first day of kindergarten!
"Excuse me, teacher.  I cant figure out how to write my 'g'"
Your in 1st grade
"Now everyone get your cursive books out."
halfway through 3rd
Good job! you passed elementary school!
on to 5th
then 6, 7, 8 and you doing just great
but when the cliques start to form and the grades start to drop.
Its not so great after all.
trying to figure out who you are and where your headed isn't as easy as trying to figure out a lower case 'g'
Its more complicated than that.
Its highschool.
In high school teachers aren't as nurturing as they used to be.
Its cold, and lonely.
Its when all your friends go different ways and your just stuck in the middle.
The bell rings at 3:30 and the rush of kids flood the hallway
And your in a mix of 3,000 kids but you feel more lonely than ever.
You go through the motions. 
Get up, go to school, homework, repeat.
Its not actually living-its just..school.
 

If life was easy...

If life was easy, what would we have to work for?
If like was good, and we didn't have the bad times, the good times wouldn't be good, they would be normal
Fight through the bad, embrace the good, rejoice the new and cherish the old.
If was was easy it wouldn't be..life.

What are you saying?

Some edited pictures

Devotionals

Oh how I love Devotionals.
I got a new devotional today and as I go along with the 162 days, Ill keep you posted.  
Today (day 1) I read on Living Before God.  
Matthew 5:27-29, 33-37 says
 ²⁷ “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’^[a] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ²⁹ If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.
“Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ ³⁴ But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; ³⁵ or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. ³⁶ And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. ³⁷ All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.^[a]



What are your thoughts?  Comment or email :)


beyondbeautifulcampaign96@yahoo.com






God Bless


<3

Dont let ED be your ID

Just one letter.  Thats the difference between ED and ID..but theres a HUGE difference.
ED-->hurtful, shameful, terrible, harmful
ID-->who are are, the wonderful, joyful, amazing you.

Dont let ED become your ID because once that happens, you are not you anymore...you are ED.  Who wants to be with ED?
Now let me ask a different question...
Who wants to be FREE from ED?
Think about it.
Write about it.
Share about it.
 <3

Hmm

So here I sit, with my pencil in my hand, not knowing what to do, don't know where I stand.  I try to write, to explain myself, says the girl who hurts herself.  I want this to stop but I cant find a way to help everyone I don't know what to say.  I try to be happy, but someone always brings me down, maybe just maybe, someday Ill ignore them and not hear hear a sound.  Ill be happy and free, enjoying life...being just me.  'Cause me being me is more than enough, say the people who love me so much.  So now as this story comes to a close, I wish you all the best, and thanks for coming to the show.  

God? How does He help?

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.

That is the question.  How will God help me?
I used to think
If God is in control, why would he put me through this.  Why would He give me an eating disorder and make me suffer?

Let me tell you this, God doesn't give you anything thing you cant handle.  These struggles He gives you are to make you stronger in your FAITH. 

Common Questions about God and eating disorders:

Does anyone really and truly love me?

John 3:16-17
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

Will God help me with my eating disorder? Can I safely trust Him?

Proverbs 3:5-6 (New Living Translation)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.

I've been hiding my hurtful behaviors. Is there anything wrong with that?

James 5:16 (Modern King James Version)
Confess faults to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous one avails much.
Proverbs 11:14
Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.

Will God help me with my shame and inner pain?

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

What's wrong with using physical things, like food and weight-control, to try to meet our emotional needs?

Habakkuk 2:18 (New International Version)
"Of what value is an idol, since a man has carved it? Or an image that teaches lies? For he who makes it trusts in his own creation; he makes idols that cannot speak."

Who is the ultimate force promoting eating disorders? And where is he trying to lead us?

John 10:10
"The thief [Satan] does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I [Jesus Christ] have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."

God is the ultimate force for good. Where do His ways lead us?

Philippians 4:6-7 (New Revised Standard Version)
Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I continue to have a powerful inner struggle. What can I do?

Philippians 3:13-14
Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

If I let go of the eating disorder, how will I fill the void and provide for unmet needs?

Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

What is one thing you can do to support recovery?

Romans 12:2
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

http://www.freebiblestudyguides.org/bible-answers/eating-disorders.htm 

why?

why is it that so many girls now days hate themselves?
why is it that eating disorders are growing exponentially?
why is it that girls are jumping from guy to guy because they just wanna be loved
why is it that was focus on earthy things when the only thing that matters in God?
why is it that more people want to be famous more than faithful
why is it so easy to give out compliments when really we should be taking our own advice
If God created you, for a purpose, for a reason but you don't think you are good enough, are you saying that you are higher that God?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsFetNBklTw&list=FL2ZXu3C23DEGmdNzo2QntMg&index=1

You DONT need to change

Why do we all yearn for happiness, but we lose our happiness in search for what we have lost. Why do we try so hard to be skinny we lose our strength, when in reality, strong is the new skinny. Why do we subject ourselves to the pain in this world, when each and every one of us deserves the very best. Why is it that we know what we are supposed to do but can't find the strength to do it. Why is it so hard to believe? Believe in yourself that you ARE good enough. That you are perfect, just the way you are, and you DON'T need to change.

Designed by God

"make over your body"
"the key to flirty eyes"
"5 mins to a gorgeous face"

Why? Why should we change ourselves to try to please others? When the only person we should try to please is God. Isent it funny how we do all these things to please other and make ourselves "happy" when by doing These things we get further away from being "happy" because we lose ourselves in the process.
God never intended for us to feel broken. God never intended for us to struggle to feel beautiful. Then why? Because we live in a broken world! God made us beautiful so why are trying so hard for something we already have?

Writing assignment--give three examples of advertisemnts that use a womans face or body to sell products. What promises do these products male? How likely is it that the promises will be fulfilled?
How do these images affect how you feel about yourself? How do these messages affect how guys treat girls? Read John 8:44. What does this scripture teach us about our enemy? Knowing that God desires to give us His beauty, how should we look at the images in magazines, music videos and movies that perpetuate the worlds idea of ideal beauty?

Assumpions

A guy came to my door yesterday.  He started ranting on about children and obesity and "bad foods."  Bad foods?  I've learned for 3 years that there are no "bad foods"  My mom stands up for me and tells the guy that we have a anorexic child living in the house.  All of a sudden his lecture turn sympathetic.
Assumptions.  People assume that if yours not underweight there is NO WAY you could have an eating disorder.  But theres another kind of assumption.  When your younger and you learn about eating disorders in health class.  You learn about anorexia and bulimia and you assume that would never happen to you.  At least, I did.  I always thought why would you do that.  But when your in the moment, it doesn't matter.  I remember thinking at the peak of my eating disorder
I wonder if I could ever eat normally again...
I still wonder sometimes. I am definitely at a better place but I am definitely NOT recovered.
Think about what your like would be like without ed.  THen write it down and whenever you feel unmotivated, look at it. :)

P.S
Look at me youtube channel
beyondbeautiful96

:)
Have a great day!

Dancers--Watch out!

An article I found on ballet dancers and eating disorders. I want the perfect ballerina body!!!  There are many poeple around us who think they are fat. Many of it come from the pressure of boys and how they htink girls body's should be like. For dancers it is different, they need to be light and liftable. Dieting comes in hand at this point but when they dont succeed they do the next best thng that they think is healthy that comes to mind. An eating disorder.

by: Kristi The ballet physique: A ballerina could start her training as early as four years old and through the years that she comes out of being a toddler to becoming a school girl into adolescents she notices many things.. She will see a lot of changes in herself. Some of these are good, boys become cute, her breasts start to grow, hips widen, her menstrual cycle begins and she becomes taller. Some things about growing up are not good. For one thing there is the problem in a ballerina that her breasts will grow too big to conform to the figure of the perfect small ballerina. Hips start to fill out and the "ballet bum" begins to lose its shape. Girls see that all of the famous and really good ballerinas are the thin ones, with no breasts, no hips and no stomachs. Why is this shape the desirable shape for the ballerina? The origin of the dance figure was in the eighteenth century. A young dancer by the name of Marie Camargo became a prominent figure on the stage. She was light footed sure of her steps and shorter than all of the male dancers on the stage. Her timing for her career was perfect. This was about the time that it became fashionable to go to the ballet. Camargo became famous and every young dancer in the world wanted to go to the same dance company so that they could share in her lime light. The company would not let any new dancers in who were taller than their star performer. As girls reached five feet five their dreams would be smashed at the realization that they would never have Camargo's figure. This new dancer also redefined the shape of the classical ballet dancer. Before her debut on the stage the ballet dancers were not traditionally small, but due to her popularity, the new figure became mandatory to succeed in the world of ballet. The look of the dancer is the "genre of the veritably, length of spine, the open stance and the lean look" (Street, 1994). This is derived from the court dance which attempted to portray a regal demeanor. Why dancers have such a high incidence of the disease: A ballet dancer is very aware of what her body looks like. At each practice she attends she wears skin-tight clothes and dances strenuously in front of large mirrors. A dancer has to look at herself for many hours in a day and this can cause a realization in the dancer. The general public may look in the mirror for a few minutes a day, hardly aware of what they really look like, but a dancer has no choice but to stand in front of a mirror and compare herself with others in the room. Seeing others thinner than she, could prompt a dancer to lose a few pounds to look as small as the other dancers in the room. As each one does this the room of dancers becomes very small. Anorexia seems like the best way to become the smallest dancer in the class. Another reason dancers would want to be small is that they have to jump high, spin fast and balance on their toes for extended periods of time. If a dancer weighs much or her weight changes frequently these steps are difficult to execute. A dancer has to know her body weight and be able to balance with no exterior problems. "Extra weight changes the balance of the body. It takes more strength to get up in the air, more time to do the move, and it's harder to land." (Chiu, 1996) A dancer also has to be conscious that a man has to be able to carry her for extended lifts and holds. Knowing she can dance better with a smaller weight convinces a dancer that she must stay thin at all costs. A dancer is usually seeking perfection in the steps that she executes. If she does not she will never reach a professionals level. Because a dancer is a perfectionist, she has to be flawless and better than her peers. A young anorexic dancer, when interviewed stated that, "she had something that other people wanted. They wanted to look like her and it was a sense of power, control and accomplishment that she could be like that." (Dyson, 1995) This also gives the dancer a feeling that she has an edge over the other dancers and sometimes this edge is important. The ultimate goal for a dancer is to become a professional. The truth is as stated by a dancer, "In the real world people who are not thin do not get jobs." (Emily Martin, personal communications, December, 1995) In the dancing world this is true. All dancers know that to get into a dance company of choice they have to look like the other girls in the ballet world so that when they get on stage they all look the same. The dancers know this and before applying for a dance company make sure that their bodies conform to the ideals of the dance company. The edge (being smaller than all other) that is gained through anorexia may be what gets them into the dance company. Those girls that do not have the figures have to find something else to do with their lives. For some this can be too much and that will drive them to anorexia to get into the company the next audition. Dancers are usually from a moderately high socio-economic background. As discussed previously, the children from the high socio-economic background have a higher incidence of getting anorexia than any other group. With the pressures of their family life and of dancing these girls are at a higher risk than any other group in society (of getting anorexia). The primary reason that a dancer will develop anorexia is traditionally a ballet dancers are slender. When it is known throughout the world that the best dancers in the world are thin and only the thin ballet dancers get jobs, it is easy for a dancer at a young age to think that anorexia is the only way for them to become and stay thin. To a dancer the pressure to be thin is very great. Before anyone looks at the way they dance or the way they move, the way they look is the first thing noticed. "An ideal has been set in place in the dance community which reflects the general publics desire to see thin women on stage." (Dyson, 1995) Conclusion: Although eating disorders can affect everyone, the incidence in dancers is almost one hundred percent as estimated by the CAAWS. "Most dancers have been through some kind of eating disorder, it's just that we don't see it. We don't discuss it." (Kehree LaCrosse, dance teacher, personal communication, January 1996) The ballet dancers in our society have been told by the general public that if they are not thin then they will not be considered ballet dancers. Because of pressures put on a dancer to be thin she will find her peace in developing an eating disorder. These disorders can cause many disturbances in the body sometimes resulting in death. Why do we put one elite group in our society through such emotional and physical turmoil? Do we really need to have thin, frail girls dancing across a stage? Our society is killing a group on individuals because of the traditional way we view the ballerina. I have been a dancer since I've been able to jump skip and hop.  I never knew the seriousness of eating disorders in dancers especially. I remember in rehearsal one day my dance teacher was talking about lifting.  She pointed out all of the skinny small dancers and told them that they could be lifted.  She pointed to me and said, "your too thick."  That moment will forever sting my heart. Dancers--Watch out! I am currently a solo lesson where I can wear whatever I want and a teacher that is a very good example or confidence.  If you are in a ballet company make sure you get educated on eating disorders.  They are serious. I am choosing not to be a statistic...I am going to be a surviver <3

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

I was looking back at past journals tonight because I couldn't sleep.  I read a page from 2004 which means I would have been 8.  In this entry I was basically just filling in information about myself (after all it was a new journal).
I came to a sentence where I listed my weight.  I also stated that I need to lose weight and better start paying more attention to the weight loss show Biggest Loser in order to lose weight.  I also drew a picture of a stick figure with a little head and a HUGE body.  It was the saddest thing.

I came to the conclusion that I have always considered myself "fat" my whole life.
My advice to you friends, those who have children--Stress to them that THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL! And that its INNER BEAUTY that matters
Those who don't have children--treat yourself like a child! And remember that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! And anyways, Its inner beauty that matters <3

More Than Skin Deep

"The more we focus on God, the more comfortable we become in our skin" Crystal Kirgiss, More than Skin Deep-Page 48
More Than Skin Deep is a great book! It talks a lot about the difference between Skin and skin.  Also it talks about the love of God and Jesus Christ.
Its a great book for girls...every girl BECAUSE every girl has a skin crises.
I truly and completely recommend this book :)

Some of my art work <3

the dreaded...shopping...

As school starts to arrive, there is the dreaded...school clothes shopping.  Today was the start of the experience for me.  I started out at Victoria Secret (why I started out there I don't know :P)  Well, lets just say that was a terrible start to the day.
You walk into the store and see all those fake skinny models everywhere, that wasn't very welcoming.  Of course, I didn't find anything there, so we moved to JC Penny's.  HALLELUJAH!  Score!  I found some clothing! Can you believe it?!  Anyways there was a lot that happened between Victoria Secret and JC Penny's...emotional breakdown!  Nothing looks good on me, I don't fit into anything etc etc etc.
LIES these are all LIES! I ended up getting a curvy fit outfit which is OK.  I was totally not okay it at first but I mean, don't people want to be curvy?  I always think Im going to restrict so I can lose a ton of weight...WOAH NOW! Ed thought!  Whats the point of losing all the weight if your just gonna gain it and more back!  It doesn't make sense!
Lesson of the day:
Be yourself, because thats what is going to make you most attractive. :)

Update

Hey everyone! Im soo sorry I haven't been blogging a ton latly, been really busy with babysitting and dance an working hard on my recovery. I am, however, going to start blogging everyday again :)
Heres a little update on my beyondbeautiful plan. I am going to start making some clothes. Now I know this is a far dream but my vision is to start a beyondbeautiful clothing line. I sew and knit so I think it would be great!
These clothes will not be made for size 00 models, they will be made in all shapes and sizes. Once I get an article of clothing finished, I will fit it to my body and I will model it and put up pictures :)
I have big hopes and dreams for the future!
Wish me luck :)

Im Perfect, In Jesus' eyes :)

I know I say this all the time, but I CONSTANTLY remind my self of one of my favorite verses in the bible.  1 Peter 3:3
³ Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. ⁴ Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.


My mom recently got me a book called More Than Skin Deep, it talks about how beauty isn't only skin deep.  How God made you beautiful and that you ARE LOVED.




Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded
James 4:8

I love you :)

cant you see
that you and me
are match mates in heaven
that we are supposed to grow old together
that we are supposed to love eachother
when you smiled at me
i could feel my heart skip a beat
i imagine out fingers fit together like a glove
thats the sign of our love
we could be everything everybody wants
you make me feel like im the only girl in the world
you make me feel special

I wanna be loved

I wanna be loved
i know God loves me
but i want somebody who puts their arms around me and tells me im beautiful
just the way i am and that everythings going to be okay
someone to make me feel special
someone to make me know that I am special
i know it sounds wrong 
but i cant help but wonder

Pamper yourself

Ways to pamper yourself:
1.  Take a nice long shower/bath
2.  Paint your nails
3.  Put makeup on
4.  Go through your closet and toss out your old clothes and buy new ones
5.  Go to a coffee shop, order a latte and read a novel
6.  Get some nice scented candles and listen to music
7.  Give yourself a facial
8.  Manicure/Pedicure
9.  Invite girlfriends over for a spa day
10. Go out to dinner with a friend

Pampering yourself is GREAT!  It makes you feel good and makes you feel accomplished...try it. :)

Change Is Okay

Im seeing a new psychiatrist today.  Although this is only my second psychiatrist I've seen, I've been through 4 therapists.
Basically what I'm saying is if you don't like your doctor...get a new one! Change is okay! Don't just settle because that will get you nowhere in real life.


It may not be changed in any way, a good given for a bad, or a bad for a good; if one beast is changed for another, the two will be holy.
Leviticus 27:10 

Beautiful isn't about how skinny you can be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hibyAJOSW8U

I once did a dove workshop with 5 little girls.  We looked at magazines and talked about what they think beautiful is.  Beautiful isn't about how skinny you can be.

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DfULtU2NfPQA&h=ZAQCsfL4S

My Testimony

I was born into a Catholic family of 5.  I was raised going to church every sunday. My parents thought they were pressuring us to much and decided it would be best for us to find our faith on our own.  I though this was GREAT, after all, I hated going to church.  I never had a relationship with Jesus and didn't ever think I would.  The summer going into 7th grade and during 7th grade was a terrible dark period of my life.  I started to get really insecure about my body.  I new the only way I would ever get a guy was if I had lost some weight.  So,  I started a to eat less and exercise more.  By about january of my 7th grade year I was burning 700 calories while only eating 30.  I was underweight but I wasn't skeletal, so I though I was fine.  I ended up getting treatment at Rogers  Memorial Hospital that march.  There we had spirituality classes.  They were relaxing and all but I never actually new what that was all about.  I was discharged a month later.  That summer I started a new behavior.  Purging.  Everything I ate I would throw up afterwords.  I was then Hospitalized again in October, and again the next march.  Every time I went to Rogers I got more and more familiar with the spirituality class.  By the time I got discharged the last time I was thinking this Being a Christian stuff was pretty cool.   Meanwhile I started hanging out with my wonderful friends more often.  I started asking questions about what I means to be a christian.  I also started going to our school bible study Friday mornings.  Wouldn't it be cool to know you always have someone to lean on?  That they think your beautiful just the way you are?  Guess what?  I found that.  One of my favorite bible verses is 1 Peter 3:3.  It says 3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.  This verse means a lot to me.  It shows that God loves me and made me in His image.  In February of 2011 I asked Jesus to forgive my sins.  I know that I am a sinner and I will never be good enough for God.  But since Jesus lived a perfect life, I am now free. In Isaiah 41:10 it says ‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’  Since I have been saved I no longer worry about who is out there that will love me.  I know that God loves me just the way I am.  Im not saying once your saved your life is easy.  I still struggle.  But I know God is always on my side.


baptized on May 8th 2011 <3

Save Yourself

Lots of times, people with eating disorders fall into the cycle of wanted to be loved, so when a guy comes around that acts like he loves her, she'll do almost anything.
On tuesday, I found this really cool store, its called Christian Family Store.  There, I got my purity ring.  I already made the promise that I would save myself and not have sex until I was married, or even give away my heart, or pieces of my heart, to someone I know I shouldn't be with.  Personally, I fall into the trap of liking guys who are not Christian.  I know I NEED to be with a christian.
In 1 Corinthians 15:33 it says Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”
SO TRUE!
One of my friends read me her testimony.  She was giving away pieces of her heart (not her body) and she felt guilty.  She needed to save all of herself for her future husband.  So she started a journal to her future husband, who she might not even know yet.  
What an inspiration!
Remember that! :)

Ill pray for you

I would TOTALLY love for you guys to email me things to blog about of course but also things that I could pray from you about.

beyondbeautiful96@hotmail.com

:)

NBC 15 News!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvGQtJ1OeX4&feature=youtu.be


This is a news story I was interviewed for about my eating disorder or eating disorders in general.

You can Email me also!

Email me for ANYTHING!
Questions
Support
ANYTHING

beyondbeautiful96@hotmail.com

More Songs!

1. How Much- Mandisa
2. Beautiful- Mercyme
3. Beautiful- Christina Aguilera
4. Katie - Missy Higgins
5. Does Anybody Hear her- Casting Crowns

Mean People

Everyone has someone who is mean to them in their life.  Sad but true..but it could even be your family.
You can't change them, but you CAN change how you deal with them.
Things to remember when dealing with these people:
1.  Its not about you, its about them
2. Anger feeds anger, negativity feeds negativity
3. They are a waste of energy
4. Negativity spreads

If you are in the middle of an argument remember:
1. Forgive
2. Wait it out
3. "Does it really matter if I'm right?"
4. Don't respond
5. Stop talking about it
6. Look for a lesson to learn

And Remember- DON'T let them bring you down, they are not worth it :)

Rejected

Rejected by whom you love
Makes you feel less than none
I cant believe I'm going to say
I love you more everyday
And now I see
That we can not be
Anymore than nothing

Questions?

Questions anyone?

If you have a question, comment it and I will definitely ask my therapist/acupuncturist/support and treatment team!

:)

Do what you love, and Love what you do

Dance.  I love dance and I dance because its what I love.  Find something you love to do, and do it.
When I dance, I feel free and strong and powerful <3
Think about something you love to do, and how it makes you feel.  Seek out how to do that thing and go for it!

Dance brings up a good point.  Most people would think that dance would not be a good thing for someone with an eating disorder to do.  I take a solo class in which I can wear whatever I want that I can dance in.  Make sure that this one thing you love to do is healthy for you and is in a positive manner.

How we talk to little girls

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html?ref=fb&src=sp

This is a very interesting article about how our culture talks to little kids.
"Your so cute! Look at your pretty dress!"

Why don't we say
"Wow!  You look smart! Want to show me how you can read this book?"

Check it out! :)

Love yourself like a kid again!

As I was watching the parade with my cousins, two of them are 5 years old, I realized that everybody seriously needs to love like a child.  These girls were so loving and caring.  How does this relate to eating disorders?
Think of a child.  Eating when they are hungry and stopping when they are full.  Strive for that.  The child doesn't think they are fat.  And they are not afraid of getting fat by what they eat.
Just thought I'd share that :)

Friends

I am so lucky I have the friends I do.  Yesterday, I was talking to my one friend.  Actually, I was more like venting.
I know that I will never be good enough for God.  But I also know that thats where Jesus comes in.  He died and my sins were forgiven and Gods love is a free gift.  I cant even explain how that makes me feel.  I am so blessed.  I truly believe that God gave me another chance--Heres some background:
I was born with JRA.  We did not know until I was 15 months old and my leg was all swollen.  My parents took me to the ER and after a long time of waiting I was diagnosed with Arthritis.  Basically I've been in pain my whole life.  Going into 7th grade I started eating less and exercising more.  Burning 700 calories while only eating 30.  I was underweight but I wasn't skeletal BUT my organs were failing.  I went to the doctor and was informed that if I did any exercise..even walking, I would go into cardiac arrest and eventually die.  I was then transported to Rogers Memorial  Hospital and put on a feeding tube without even being there for an hour.  I was put on suicidal watch and discharged a month later.  5 months after I was discharged I was hospitalized twice again for bulimia.  Long story short.  I literally almost died.  But why didn't I?
God had/has great plans for my life.  Dying wasn't one of them.  So He had the power to keep me strong and alive.
Now I am growing so much in my faith and show that by everything I do.
God has plans for you--Let Him take control of your life :)

Date Night / Writing assignment #3

So...tonight I have a date with a friend from school. :)  Most people would be worried about if they look just perfect or how they act but Im gonna just have fun with it.  I put on a little makeup and have on a cute outfit but if thats all this guy likes me for I don't want that.  I want him to love my personality and like me for me.

All in all, you have another writing assignment! YAY!!! :)
Write about your perfect date.  Where would you go and who would it be with?  What would you you wear and how would you act?  Challenge yourself to really think.  And Im not saying perfection is out there Im just saying don't settle for less than you deserve ;)

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you.

25 ways to love your body

1. We are born in love with our bodies. Watch an infant sucking her fingers and toes, not worrying about body fat. Imagine being in love with your body.

2. Think of your body as a tool. Make an inventory of all the things you can do with it.

3. Notice what your body does each day. It is the instrument of your life, not an ornament for someone else’s enjoyment.

4. Create a list of people you admire who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world. Was their appearance important to their accomplishments?

5. Consider your body as a source of pleasure. Think of all the ways it can make you feel good.

6. Enjoy your body: stretch, dance, walk, sing, take a bubble bath, get a massage, get a pedicure.

7. Put signs on mirrors saying things like: I am beautiful inside and out.” 8. Affirm that your body is perfect just the way it is.

9. Walk with your head high, with pride and confidence in yourself as a person, not as a size.

10. Don’t let your size or appearance keep you from doing things you enjoy.

11. Remember that your body is not a democracy—you are the only one who gets a vote. 12. Count your blessings, not your blemishes

13. Replace the time you spend criticizing your appearance with more positive, satisfying pursuits.

14. Every year, 98 percent of our atoms are replaced. Your body is extraordinary — respect and appreciate it!15. Be the expert on your body. Challenge fashion magazines, cosmetic companies, and weight tables.

16. Let your inner beauty and individuality shone. 17. Be your body’s ally and advocate, not its enemy.

18. Every morning when you awake, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.

19. Every night when you go to sleep, thank your body for what it helped you do throughout the day.

20. Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do moderate amounts of it regularly. Don’t do it compulsively or to lose weight—do it to feel good.

21. Think back to a time in your life when you liked and enjoyed your body. Get in touch with those feelings now.

22. Look at family photos. Find the beauty, love, and values in those bodies and faces. Hold them close to your heart.

23. Ask: If I had only one year to live, how important would my body image and appearance be?

24. Make a closet inventory. Do you wear clothes to hide your body or just to follow fashion trends in lockstep? Keep the clothes that give you feelings of pleasure, confidence, and comfort.

25. Beauty is not just skin deep. It is a reflection of your whole self. Love and enjoy the person inside.

Writing Assignment #2

Watch a T.V program and write about one of the characters.  Did this character show high or low self-esteem?  How can you tell? Give some examples of how this character's self esteem showed up in his/her personal choices and behaviors.

Example:
Kim Possible

How to Deal

How to deal with living with an eating disorder. 

1) ACCEPT the fact that this is your life.  You cant just quit at life, so you have to learn to use your coping skills and live with/through it. 

2) DONT let it stop you from doing the things you love.  Thats what Ed wants to do, destroy you as much as he can, and when you isolate yourself and don't do the things you want to do, Ed is winning.
3) BE competitive.  Not with yourself, or with the next person on who can lose the most weight etc.  But with ed.  Fight for what you want.  Do you want to live?  I would hope so.  


You cant live while stuck in an eating disorder.  You cant be free when you are stuck.  




In 1 Peter 5:7 it says "casting all your worries on him, because he cares for you."

Jesus Freak!

³ Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. ⁴ Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
1 Peter 3:3


When I got baptized this was the main verse in my testimony.  God has helped me so much throughout my recovery.  I know that when I need something, or I'm in doubt, I can pray about it and talk to God and He will answer me.  
My baptism was magical.  I felt free.  In Chris Tomlin's song Amazing Grace (my chains are gone) it says, "my chains are gone, I've been set free, my God my savior has ransomed me.


My faith has helped me oh so much I cant even explain it.  1Peter 3:3 shows just how much God loves each and every one of you and how you ARE beautiful <3

Dont be a statistic

It is estimated that 8 million Americans have an eating disorder – seven million women and one million men.  Do you ever wonder how many of them survive? Studies show that 5-10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease and 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years.  Think about the pros and cons of having an eating disorder...think of any pros?  Think of a million cons?  I know i did.  Think about it.  Do you want to be a statistic?


Think about a child.  They play all day and when they are hungry...they eat.   What has changed?  The media showing us how women should look?  Every commercial you see on T.V being about weight loss and how it makes you "happy."  Our self esteem is like a bucket of water.  When we are born it starts out full but as time goes on certain situations poke holes in the bucket making it lose water until there is none left.  Lets try to plug up the holes and fill our buckets back up again. When you look in the mirror, think of a child...would you say those things to a child?